We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t doubt ourselves. You could doubt your ability to complete a project at work to being a great mother, or how you walk in heels.
Recently I was stood up by a friend at lunch.
I ordered as they were delayed, food came to the table, I ate, theirs got taken away, I asked for the bill and for their meal to be made takeaway. They were 45 minutes late. They way the waitress looked at me, made me want to cry.
They turned up, but I didn’t really know what to say. I was hurt. Embarrassed and wanted to cry. I did the traditional Rebecca thing and barely showed I cared. I guess the point is I not only doubted them, but I doubted myself. I felt disrespected, but couldn’t shake the thought “Am I that bad a friend that they didn’t care they were late?”, knowing full well they cared and felt bad.
Notice all of this angst and over analysis was self inflicted and caused by the way I spoke about myself to myself.
If I didn’t stop this, it would easily become habit to continually doubt my own abilities, and my own characteristics as a person.
A few months ago, I got a slap across the back of the head. A job I took on, I became complacent about it and tried to do a rush job at the end date, close to the deadline.
It didn’t pass. The line “This was either a rush job, or you don’t have the skills to do this: was the metaphorical slap in the head.
I wanted to say “Thank you”.
Thank you for waking me up. Thank you for being the proof that I was doing too much, trying to get away with doing a million things at 80%, rather than the full 100% dedication that I used to give.
I had become complacent and was deliberately setting myself up to fail. I wanted someone else to tell me rather than do it myself.
I realised that I drained myself of so much passion, dedication and excitement, because I was trying to spread the resources across so many different ventures, jobs, businesses and people.
And because of doing ALL of these things at 80%, no wonder I started to doubt myself. Things weren’t working, I was dropping the ball.
The stress that I put myself under was intense. Someone said to me the other day “Where’s Bec gone?”
Bec temporarily left tithe building. Bec temporarily ran out the door, and like Forest Gump, just kept on running. I got caught though, and I’m slowly walking back and I’ll be home soon.
But I wanted to write about this whilst I’m feeling like this because I’m experiencing what some people feel like every day.
I know it’s my choice to feel like this, but I’m also letting myself feel like this because it’s part of life.
I’ve decided however, on my walk back, I’m going to take another route home. One that I haven’t taken before.
So I’m looking at things I’ve never seen or noticed before, and I’m taking notes.
And then when I get home, I’m going to put that building on the market, and buy another place you call home. Because home is you (metaphor again).
So I’ll learn these things, my eyes are open and I’ll be the normal Bec again soon…