Do you ever have those days where everything you do doesnt feel like you? Like you feel like some big fake, some fraud? Like there is no way I should have the job I have, or this person shouldnt be laying next to me because they dont really know who they are in love with?
These are the days I have, maybe every two or three months. I process, and overanalyse things, and start feeling like Leonardo Dicaprio in that movie, Catch Me If You Can. I feel like the clothes Im wearing are just a cover for what I would rather be wearing, or what I deserve to be wearing. The person I come home to everyday, doesn’t know the real me. I pick up a text book to teach people about a subject I feel like I really know nothing about.
Its such a weird feeling, like Im the only one in the world who feels like this, it feels like I’m a fake handbag on the arm of someone who thought they bought the real thing.
Today is one of those days. I was lying in bed about half an hour ago, unable to fall asleep… I started crying, just because I could… I decided a while ago that crying for no reason is okay. I put on my song of the moment, Angus & Julia Stone’s Draw Your Swords. This is the process I go through… Music, thinking, realisation, planning, smiling, sleeping. This ‘procedure’ doesnt have a timeline on it. It could be twenty minutes, or an all nighter… I try not to get involved, I step back from myself, and just see what happens.
A few years ago, I realised that alot of the time, when you think you are the only person who has ever felt a certain way, there are thousands feeling the same way thinking the same thing at exactly the same time. This feeling of ‘fakeness’ has actually been researched and has names such as the ‘Imposter Phenomenon’ and ‘Fraud Syndrome’.
It has its own page on Wikipedia, there are books and blogs written about it.
I decided I would write about how I deal with these random horrible days, arriving unannounced, and knocking me off my feet. I used to fight back, trying to force the uninvited guest out the door, but could never get their foot out of the way. So now, when ‘they’ rock up and knock on my door, I invite ‘them’ in, biting my tongue, smiling, and keeping my mouth shut. I make ‘them’ a cup of tea, and sit there while ‘they’ tell stories Ive already heard before, and eat all the food in my house. I wait for the time when ‘they’ decide to leave, and wave to ‘them’ as they say goodbye. Its easier this way, I cant change ‘them’, I know who I am, and that ‘people’ like this will come in and out of my life, unexpected, and unwelcome. You just have to stay true to who you are, and let the time pass… ‘They’ will leave when ‘they’ want to leave, and the less you try fighting ‘them’, the more bored ‘they’ become, therefore the less frequent the visits. (Note: Them and they are the feelings of fakeness)
These are those days where you need to step away from yourself, get out of the way and just let it play out. Your employer wouldnt hire you if they didnt think you were qualified enough, that person sleeping soundly next to you loves you for the person you are day in day out, tears and all.
Live life the best way you know how, and be the best version of you… Flaws and All by Beyonce (the last song playing on my iPod now…)