I dont want to try and decipher exactly what love is, as the very specifics of this feeling need to remain a mystery. However what does fascinate me is the different levels of love that exist within our society, and how people can love someone one day and claim to fall out of love the next. Do we really have an understanding of what love is, even if its just the very basics?
I know that how I handle love is very different to the majority of those around me. Due to the way I was brought up, I am very good at detaching when love turns its back on me.
I was never in a house longer than two years, therefore I never understood what settling down means. I never really ‘unpacked’ my possessions, which in turn lead to me never really ‘unpacking’ my emotions.
At 17, I experienced something I never really understood. I met someone who loved me completely for who I was. They loved me more than I could ever love them, and it killed me that I never understood why.
Four and a half years later, I tried to take my own path in the world. What I thought was a chance to discover who I was and figure out what I needed to do to be the person I wanted to be, ended up me learning about what I didn’t want from the people in my life.
Someone said they loved me, and wanted a ring on my finger in the space of two seconds. The four months I was in this situation, I tried finding a way to get out. This was not my proudest moment, but it was my strongest.
I sat on my own for a while and took in all of the lessons I had learnt in 22 years I had been on this earth. I breathed a sigh of relief. Pain is only ever temporary, so why waste your time crying over something that has happened already and that you can no longer change? Crying is healthy, but letting your life go backwards when you are only ever meant to go forwards is making everyday harder then the next.
I then met someone when I was working on a story, and it wasn’t that instant ‘The One’ love that people talk about, it was a feeling of excitement and when I look back on it, it was ultimately a friendship. This man was someone I wanted in my life for good, but not hand in hand. It’s sad when two people can’t support each other and grow in the spotlight together. When one starts to suffer at the expense of another, it is the responsibility of the one causing the pain to relieve the other from their suffering. When this took place, a friendship stronger then anything experienced before started to blossom. This was a different love from my first love.
Now I’m at a place where my future looks brighter than ever, and Im excited about the people I have around me and where it looks like Im going.
With a smile on my face, or poking my tongue out at life, I plan to be and do everything I want to do and live life not only for love, but for every other emotion. For pride, for pain, for laughter, and tears, I want love and life to be everything I want it to be, and to never regret a single day of my life.